4 Sex Therapy Exercises to Deepen Intimacy

Sex is not about what you do; it’s about how you feel.
— Emily Nagoski

In our fast-paced lives, it’s easy for couples to fall into a routine where physical connection becomes a "check the box" activity, or worse, a stressor. We live so much of our lives in our heads, worrying about schedules, work, and the mental load, that we often lose touch with the very bodies that allow us to experience pleasure and closeness.

At Kitchen Table Psychotherapy, we believe intimacy isn’t just a mental state; it’s a physical, lived experience. Whether you’re looking to revitalize your sex life or simply want to feel more "in sync," here are four exercises rooted in sex therapy and somatic studies to help you reconnect.

1. Sensate Focus: The Power of Mindful Touch

Developed by Masters and Johnson, Sensate Focus is a cornerstone of sex therapy. The goal is to strip away performance anxiety by removing the "end goal" of orgasm or even genital contact.

• The Exercise: Set aside 20 minutes uninterrupted time in a quiet, warm, and comfortable space. One partner acts as the "giver" and the other as the "receiver." The giver explores the receiver’s skin—the texture of an elbow, the warmth of the neck—using different pressures.

  • There are five steps to sensate focus:

1. 1. Non-sexual touching (no erogenous zones)

2. 2. Touching erogenous zones (genitals and breasts)

3. 3. Added Lubrication (to enhance sensation)

4. 4. Mutual Touching

5. 5. Sensual Intercourse

• The Intent: If you are the receiver, your only job is to notice the sensation. Does it feel tingly? Warm? Soft? By staying mindful of the sensation rather than the expectation, you allow your nervous system to relax and stay present.

2. Sharing Fantasies (The Gottman Approach)

Sometimes the barrier to intimacy isn't physical; it’s a lack of "mental" playtime. Using a structured tool like the Gottman Card Decks (specifically the "Salsa" or "Sex, Desire, and Play" decks) can make vulnerable conversations feel like a game.

• The Exercise: Pick a few cards that prompt you to share a fantasy or a desire you’ve been curious about.

  • Here are some examples.

    • Mild: make it possible for your partner to take a day off to relax, take a bath or get a massage.

    • Medium: explore a new sexual position you’ve been wanting to try. Tell your partner how you liked it.

    • Hot: act out a fairy tale and put a sexual spin on it.

  The Intent: This creates a "secure base" for exploration. It’s not necessarily about a promise to act out every fantasy today; it’s about creating opportunities for the intimacy of being known and knowing your partner’s inner world.

3. Finding a Shared Rhythm: Somatic Attunement

From a Dance/Movement Therapy perspective, intimacy is all about attunement—sensing and responding to your partner’s physical state, either syncing up or playfully clashing.

• The Exercise: Try one of these two positions for 5 minutes of connection:

• Back-to-Back: Sit on the floor with your spines pressed together. Feel the rise and fall of your partner's breath and try to synchronize your breathing.

• Toe-to-Toe: Sit facing each other, knees bent, have a chill conversation with only your toes touching.

• The Intent: These positions provide a "low-stakes" way to feel supported. Back-to-back breathing is especially helpful if face-to-face eye contact feels too intense after a long day or a recent argument.

4. The "Sex Menu": Full Meal or Just the Appetizers

We often think of sex as a full five-course meal, which can feel exhausting when you’re tired. The Sex Menu concept allows you to negotiate what you actually have the energy for.

• The Exercise: Create a "menu" of activities ranging from "Appetizers" (cuddling, a 5-minute massage, holding hands) to "Main Courses" (mutual masturbation, full intercourse, or oral sex).

• The Intent: Some nights, you might only have the capacity for an appetizer. By naming it, you remove the "rejection" that often happens when one partner wants a meal and the other isn't hungry. It honors where you both are in the moment.

Try It Yourself

Intimacy doesn’t happen in a vacuum; it happens in the small, intentional moments where we choose to turn toward our partner. By practicing these exercises, you are retraining your brain to associate your partner's presence with safety, curiosity, and play.

Looking for more? 

At Kitchen Table Psychotherapy, we believe intimacy is built in everyday moments—often in the same spaces where life already happens. Our work is rooted in the idea that healing and connection don’t require perfection or performance, but presence, curiosity, and safety.

We offer sex therapy and relationship therapy for individuals and couples who want to deepen intimacy, navigate desire differences, heal from disconnection, or build a more attuned relationship with their bodies and partners. Our approach integrates somatic therapy, attachment-based work, and evidence-based sex therapy practices, meeting you exactly where you are—whether you’re exploring embodiment, redefining pleasure, or simply wanting to feel closer.

If these exercises sparked something for you and you’d like support exploring intimacy in a deeper, more personalized way, we’d love to help. Learn more about Nikki or schedule your first appointment today.